psychological breakthrough

a little background: this whole self-reflection thing ive been doing lately stems from a conversation in december with a gay male who was sexually abused as a child. he told me that when it comes to real intimacy as an adult, he feels he is not worthy enough of having this person's undivided attention and affection. that feeling of his, i realized, is the same feeling of mine. i didnt know it before, but i knew it when he said it. we compared stories about sabotage, pulling away, resentment, and being superficial. the feeling nags, but i know theres more. where are these poisonous thoughts coming from and how did i get like this? i did some more research on my own and thank the lord above for google! i found 2 concepts that i believe are representative of my current state. im not usually one for labels/categories, but i feel that in this case they have helped me understand whats causing this behaviour, beyond my bad decision making and low self-worth.

1. co-dependency.

essentially, this is my need to be needed. it explains how and why i can tap into that nurturing side of me and be perceptive to other people's needs/wants/etc. fortunately, it makes me good at what i do. unfortunately, it extends into other relationships. sometimes this feeling of needing to be needed is so overwhleming that i will create a need, just so i can be needed by that person. talk about abandonment issues, fuckk. i recognize this behaviour now that i look back, and admit that definitely whatever need i fabricated in the relationship was more for my benefit than for theirs. self-serving, without question.

from what i understand, co-dependency is a term originally applied to people from families with alcoholism or addictions, and usually the codependent is the wife, and will enable her husband's behaviour - making excuses, defending, taking on the blame or even the other persons feelings of guilt or shame, feeling responsible for their actions, etc. and sometimes theres a touch of resentment on my part toward the other person as they are often completely oblivious. it gets very frustrating. i definitely recognize these feelings and behaviours in myself, however there was no excessive drinking or substance abuse in my family, that is a non-issue. but thats not to say there wasnt an addiction of which i was unaware.

2. inverted narcissism.

this is the mirror image, or the exact opposite, of narcissism. basically, an inverted narcissist (me) must crave to be with a narcissist. narcissists crave to show their superiority over others, typically with no regard to how he's doing it. twisted, no? like what the fuck, right. the thing is, narcissists need someone who gives them their supply (the ego stroke, in a way, that 'verifies' their greatness). the supply can come in any form though...simply agreeing to going to the restaurant they chose does it, which is not soemthing i would fuss over. basically i couldnt give a fuck less about where we go, lets just eat already haha. but being with a narcissist is perfect for a co-dependent like myself becasue they constantly need someone, and i constantly want to feel needed. aw, how delightful.

but to be honest, i had never really had a firm grasp on narcissism. i suspected it was just an egocentric attitude, which i guess is true, but thats not even close to the extent of it. its a disease, for sure, characterized by: need for admiration, grandiosity, lack of empathy. i think its the indifference which takes it from egomaniac to narcissist. these people will do anything for admiration, literally, by any means, like by saying they are the best, or saying theyre not so you say they are, eliciting fear, being funny, issuing threats, having an exciting business deal on the way, buying things, driving a nice car, denying a mistake or shifting blame, hanging out with others who have money, 'proving' they are right, telling a wild story, pretty much anything. the sad part, is that they have zero ability to feel how you might be feeling, like when theyre being domineering or rude, even if you actually say it, because to them those words dont exist. they will play semantics bullshit and mind games to make you think youre wrong. they have no short term memory, and literally only think about what they can say at that moment that gives them their supply, but they cannot recall what they said later. this makes them compulsive liars, nonsensical, irrational, and illogical. they have only one perspective: theirs. and they only have one love: themselves. they are charming, intelligent, determined, funny, extroverted, opinionated, boastful, angry, critical, vain, intimidating, vindictive, calculated, unsatisfied, 'above the law', nonnegotiable, manipulative, demanding, intolerant, and impatient. my father, is a narcissist. 100%. outsiders dont see it, because he has learned how to get positive feedback (by way of stories, jokes, achievements, etc) but in his own house, where he is king, he exerts his superiosity in any manner and knows exactly how to do it that gets the easiest and fastest result. anything and everything he says and does goes, with no consideration of how what he just said or did affected you. honestly, i grew up thinking i had a warped perspective, questioning everything i saw or did, walking on eggshells, and being compliant and quiet. he would see a situation totally not how it happened and would coerse me into admitting it happened how he thought it did. it got to a point where i learned to say what he wanted, just so he'd shut the fuck up. "yes dad, i did lie about going further than 2 blocks on my bike". even though i obviously didnt because i knew he'd lose his head if he actually caught me. but i should have anyway, because ima get grounded for it, plus here comes the 45 minute lecture and then 2 day silent treatment for being "a liar." congratualations, dick, you got to show an 8 year old how much better you are than her. well done.

and that my friends, is basically how i was conditioned to comply with a narcissist.

one thing to note though, is that narcissism, while is a form of psychopathy, is distinct in that there is usually a lack of willingness to resort to physical violence, unlike antisocial personality distorder, which is similar in many ways. i was never abused physically or sexually.

im not going to lie though, the realization of all this was....shocking. i cried for two days at the similarities between my relationship with my father (which is non-existent, we had a falling out a few years ago and do not speak or look at each other) and my relationships with other men. when i was young id promise myself id never end up with a man like him, outwardly vindictive, controlling, manipulative. and i will say that i have done a good job at avoiding these people, i relish in my freedom and independence, and i can spot these traits, and i can usually feel when someones trying to mindfuck me. what it comes down to is that i feel compelled to be needed by the narcissist (or what i have stupidly mistaken for love) becasue then i do not have to love or know myself, hence the feelings of unworthiness. i am completely out of touch with my own needs and wants, i even struggled after university beccasue there was noone to tell me what my next move was. in relationships, i push aside what i want and make it all about him. all i need is him to need me. i sabotage the healthy relationships, where the boy considers my feelings, becasue they are uncomfortable and i have no way to express them, and i seek out the boy who doesnt give a fuck, because thats whats familiar. even if he is destroying me from the inside.

but, co-dependent no more.

i have identified the people in my life who exhibit these narcissistic traits, even if they arent actually one. but believe me, it is quite clear who they are and i will be actively changing how i behave with them...because i should not be needed, i should be wanted!

but to actually correct myself, i need options for what i can do to replace what i was doing before, because it cant always be nothing/avoidance. i think the following will help guide me:

A) trust my instincts. this is probably the most important step for me. i find that mine are quite good, but i have also become quite good at ignoring them.

B) learn to say no. i will not inconvenience myself to appease others.

C) direct my need to help in constructive ways. EXAMPLE: philanthropy :)

D) develop personal boundaries. this means not only acknowledging the signs of manipulation, but allowing zero space for follow through for the bully (this one going to be very hard!!)

E) explore the unfamiliar. especially with regards to personal relationships, i will be avoiding the comfortable ones, because more often than not it will lead to dangerous territory. which im fed up with, im bored of being someone's fuckin pawn.

i think thats enough for a good start.

after some research, self-reflection, and conversations with 2 educated outside peoples, i confess:

1. i use personality, education, makeup, and substances to cover up the fact i think i am unworthy and defective. im good at it.

2. i am a sabbotager. in a deliberate, premeditated, precise, and underhanded way. this extends into my relationships with: money, gender, sexuality, other people, and society.

3. i have daddy issues. without a doubt. research says its the female equivalent to the Oedipus complex...Electra complex. yes ma'am. and supposedly its a legit theory, devised by Carl Jung himself.

4. there are 2 extremes: blame them, or blame me. and i blame me.

figurin it out

all i can really hope for is someone to ask the right question.

my head is in the clouds because im tall

i live in an organized chaos. sometimes things get messy, for sure they get messy. im pretty last minute, and probably seemingly disheaveled. but i know whats up. i know where my shits at, and if i need it, i know the places to go to find it. i have a knack for remembering useless things that have happened or specific moments of time (this also causes a lot of mental anguish, trust me!!) like a short video snippet playing in my mind (and playing, and playing, and playing hahhah). anyway, so to remember where i put things, it has to be extra distinct and it has to make sense for the way i go about my day. and when someone fucks with it, i can tell. and i love my family, but they fuck with it. and then they deny it.



if i have something you would like, please just ask, i like to share. but dont take it and expect me not to notice. im a daydreamer, not an idiot.

the truth!

for the record, adbusters magazine is an anti-consumerist publication, where any 'ads' you see, are spoofs, made to mock orginal creations and call attention to our jaded and empty social membership.

it is not a magazine about how to create more ads to sell useless shit to said membership. upon actually reading, you will find that it is a publication sans ads.


jus sayin.


love,
a long time reader.

mixin up my mixed up mind

things got a little out of control in my last post. sometimes that happens.


ive been looking for some change within the last couple months. nothing major, i like my situations. school, home, work, life, health..its all pretty good, i must say. but theres something missing. routine and boredom make for a restless self. my problem is that i know what the solution is...but i cant obtain it, not like this. its been 24 years, im doing the same shit over and over, and im consistently getting the same results. isnt that a widely accepted pseudo-definition of insanity? i need a change within myself, a new way of thinking. i know what my issue is, ive identified it, i recognize it, but i am not qualified to help myself figure out a way to work against it, to correct it, my thinking patterns. thats years and years of wear and tear on the same beaten path. i need my mind opened to new theories and new perspectives. more specifically, i need my mind opened to enlightened theories and perspectives. I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THIS SHIT COMES FROM. maybe someones met someone like me? ive got to be a classic case of something? to initiate the change, i will have to elicit the help of a third party.

but whom? fuck.

so much talking, not nearly enough action.

i don't watch a lot of tv. im fussy and critical. very. i cant stand commercials, i cant stand following a series and waiting a week for a new episode, i cant stand bad plots and things that dont make sense, i cant stand annoying characters, i cant stand dramas with bad acting and superficial drama in general, i cant stand all the new game shows, and i especially cant stand the news (not because i dont like to know whats happening in the world, i just think a lot of the stories are bullshit and depressing, lets talk about something positive, and work towards finding real solutions to problems instead of just magnifying and talking about them, and lets put the spotlight on the people who are making a change, not the ones who are setting us back). unless its nat geo, discovery, or a documentary, watching tv is stressful for me so i try to avoid it. tonight though, i was bored, lonely, and avoiding homework, so i turned to the tube. the following two rants are examples of things that really grind my gears.

i just saw a Participaction commercial.

it said: kids need 60 minutes of exercise a day.

agreed.

but what about adults? dont our metabolisms slow as we age? wouldnt that mean then, that we need increasingly more exercise? id say this commercial lets parents off the hook by excluding them, when really they are the ones who need to be doing the exercise and positively influencing their children. no wonder why kids opt to sit inside on their computers, they have lazy parents who don't want to take responsibility for their role in the process. the commercial should address this. i realize this is more of a marketing disconnect on behalf of the organization and getting parents active might not be one of their primary objectives, HOWEVER, regardless of how popular the internet is, people (read: parents) are still watching television. 2 birds, 1 stone. jus sayin.

and on a side note, im watching come dine with me...you knwo..where someone hosts a dinner party for randoms and then the randoms judge the fuck out of everythingggg. well this one girl, a single, young female professional is hosting. she had a cute apartment and a cute living room and shes wearing a cute black outfit. while she's preparing the meal, one older couple (mid sixties, perhaps) is checking out her place, then proceed to go into her BEDROOM. because the space is tight, the bed is elevated above the head...like something you'd see in a barn, a loft area i guess, where you can look down. anyway so the woman is like "do you think i aught to go up?" and proceeds to climb up the ladder. on the far side of her bed, is a pink basket, whcih the lady goes out of her way to pick up and examines the contents. she's obviously very appauled to see theres body oil and condoms and other products and shes all "oh my gaahhhhdd! look at this, ohh myyyyyy, i never would have thought to see such a supply of rubbers in this container, i would be so embarrassed"........................................LADY YOU ARE IN HER BEDROOM, dont LOOK for shit when you know YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW WHATS THERE.

am i wrong? i dont know, i believe that anyone can do what they want and are comfortable with, so long as there is consent and nobodys getting hurt. i dont go into my friends bedrooms, check between their mattresses and then cause a scene when i find out my male friend sometimes likes to wear a bra under his polo. oh RIGHT, thats because i actually respect the privacy and personal lives of others and dont do any of that! way to totally humiliate the girl on television in front of 6 million people. like REALLY, you snoopy and judgemental woman, mind yo biz.

whats more fun to think about....

space or the ocean?

she's coming

even if its still chilly, the days are getting longer.

my eyesights not that great, but hindsight's always 20/20.

in retrospect, i should have taken that shift, if not for the extra monies, than maybe even just for fun.

pay it forward

i feel like ive met you before, somewhere, sometime, when we were younger. it was summer, we were carefree, and over the weeks we were learning about clay and pottery and photography and sculptures. we would work together on our little assignments, and it was an adventure with you, always. you were curious and silly and talented. i see now, who i like to believe is you, is a woman. after we have grown up, we are still the same ourselves, but we are pretty different from each other. you are very wise for still being so young, and i look up to you. you're a lot like someone i'd want to be, and you were back then as well, if i wasnt already myself. i also think we are pretty similar though. i see it, even if you don't. we are both self aware and consider the consequences of our actions. we see the big picture. like myself, you think that there are simple and obvious solutions to huge social issues, but the problem is the collective state. we havent figured it out, how to all work together towards the change. its challenging, i know, because people are opinionated and intolerant, and often its very frustrating. i reassure myself by saying that even though the number of people i can influence or help is relatively small, there is always a ripple effect.

oooops!

im having a strange day. a very good day, but a strange one. a day of coincidence, odd references, and linkages that made my tummy flutter at the sheer bizarreness. i also had a very embarrassing moment where i opened a truck door thinking someone i knew was sitting inside, when in actuality it was a stranger in his own identical truck. i literally was like "oops oh shit, my bad, wrong person." *super humiliated laugh* and he replies, "i knew as you were approaching you made a mistake." HAH. yes, yes i did, and i apologize sir, for invading your personal space/vehicle.

the thing is, though, that as i was approaching, i, too, knew i was making a mistake. and only 5 minutes previous, i was making a mental note about how i should actively try to follow my intuition more.

depection inception

i sat there quietly, almost ashamed, because i thought it was me who stunk like weed on the bus, until i realized it was actually the guy behind me. Later, homeboy across the isle compliments my hat, says see you later cutie, and thinks im an innocent, naive doll because i flashed a smirk and stumbled over my words when accepting the compliment. Little does he know that im:

- hiiigh as a mothafucka and trippin balls
- would devour his soul because im a pimp and a maneater
- very uninterested in whatever advances he wishes he had time to make
- just wanting to jam to the drake + nicki minaj song being pumped into my ears
- trying to daydream about my latest epiphany

thanks, ass, for disupting my thought process!

oh you fancy huhhh

i often find myself missing the bouncey vibe of the mountains. i like to meet new people as much as possible, looking for wild stories and an even better time. there, thinking about banff, theres no shortage of stupid shit and stupid people. jealousy (which im convinced is a soul-eating disease, a fucking relentless cancer in your heart and head) builds so much tension, its too much to handle sometimes, youre like what the fuck am i even doing here? where are the sane people!!? well, there arent any. everyones got a complex...although some just tend to be more like expensive bad habits. me included, no doubt, ive defintiely got an issue or two hahah. but jealousy, thankfully, isnt one of my bad ones.

what attracts me to the town most is that i like the idea of lost souls, because i often feel like i am one. and its chock full of people who know theyve got a talent for something and they build their own niche and use their big personalities and skills...whatever they might be.. rugby maybe, or rowing, climbing mountains, entreprenurialism, snowboarding, customer service, hair dressing, or hustlin. fuck, if you just invest a little time into the town, youre inevitably going to find something youre good at, make some money, and meet people who enjoy the same things as you. theyll be nutty though, so jus be careful. but i will say one thing, the town is high on quality and low on quantity. but you pay for that too, remember hah.

i wish there were more lost souls here, people who are empathetic and who show individualism and respect for others to just be. i like that. to be able to just be, for all of your craziness, insanity, pervertedness, lack of direction, and for all the times you show a straight disregard for basic ethics and morals, like not making out with your friends boyfriend at the bar or waaay overstaying your welcome when visiting from Nelson. these types of things put strain on all of your relationships, try to avoid them at all costs, no matter where you live! but, they happen. and often. and sometimes what you were coming to consider friendships dissolve in front of you. it sucks when it happens but boy does it sure build character!!! i like that too.
unfortuantely, all of this energy breeds an aggressiveness too. people always striving to talk a notch over the others. its too bad the others consist of a feisty australian male a few too many whiskey drinks deep and a windsor g with a ball and a bong talkin bout whether or not Cath, la stripper quebecois, gives the best blowjobs. consensus says she does yeeeea ahahahhahahh

but having said alllll of this stupid bullshit about banff, i will say that i adore the town because i have not much else to compare it to....i like Van too, but wish i could have spent more time. i need to get out and travel more. even though ive got a lot on my plate now with school and a practicum coming up quick, im getting that impatient itch to just fuck off and see some shit. lets go to europe or south america already, come onnnn!! or christ, i'll take san francisco, new york, montreal (hi cath), or chicago even!

one sentence story

Suspicious middle-aged man smirks and slow-motion eyeballs my thigh, resulting in perhaps the single most disurbing moment in my life.

rollercoaster

on the days i manage to get out of bed, i thoroughly enjoy keeping myself very occupied and busy, in touch with friends and society. i like to have things to do, and i like to be stimulated; emotionally, intellectually, and physically, naturally. sadly, i have another side.. one thats unmotivated, lethargic, tired, and restless. this nearly always results in some type of anxiety and boredom...excessive analyzing of a single moment or interaction, general apathy, deflated ego, strong desire to draw my drapes and sleep (all day) and extreme irritation with everything/one. and sometimes this horrid lull lasts up to 14 days!! two weeks? what is that shit? and then it becomes difficult to imagine that the darkness will ever pass, but then suddenly its gone. and i forget i was even upset in the first place.

when im up im really up, and when im down im really down.