a little background: this whole self-reflection thing ive been doing lately stems from a conversation in december with a gay male who was sexually abused as a child. he told me that when it comes to real intimacy as an adult, he feels he is not worthy enough of having this person's undivided attention and affection. that feeling of his, i realized, is the same feeling of mine. i didnt know it before, but i knew it when he said it. we compared stories about sabotage, pulling away, resentment, and being superficial. the feeling nags, but i know theres more. where are these poisonous thoughts coming from and how did i get like this? i did some more research on my own and thank the lord above for google! i found 2 concepts that i believe are representative of my current state. im not usually one for labels/categories, but i feel that in this case they have helped me understand whats causing this behaviour, beyond my bad decision making and low self-worth.
1. co-dependency.
essentially, this is my need to be needed. it explains how and why i can tap into that nurturing side of me and be perceptive to other people's needs/wants/etc. fortunately, it makes me good at what i do. unfortunately, it extends into other relationships. sometimes this feeling of needing to be needed is so overwhleming that i will create a need, just so i can be needed by that person. talk about abandonment issues, fuckk. i recognize this behaviour now that i look back, and admit that definitely whatever need i fabricated in the relationship was more for my benefit than for theirs. self-serving, without question.
from what i understand, co-dependency is a term originally applied to people from families with alcoholism or addictions, and usually the codependent is the wife, and will enable her husband's behaviour - making excuses, defending, taking on the blame or even the other persons feelings of guilt or shame, feeling responsible for their actions, etc. and sometimes theres a touch of resentment on my part toward the other person as they are often completely oblivious. it gets very frustrating. i definitely recognize these feelings and behaviours in myself, however there was no excessive drinking or substance abuse in my family, that is a non-issue. but thats not to say there wasnt an addiction of which i was unaware.
2. inverted narcissism.
this is the mirror image, or the exact opposite, of narcissism. basically, an inverted narcissist (me) must crave to be with a narcissist. narcissists crave to show their superiority over others, typically with no regard to how he's doing it. twisted, no? like what the fuck, right. the thing is, narcissists need someone who gives them their supply (the ego stroke, in a way, that 'verifies' their greatness). the supply can come in any form though...simply agreeing to going to the restaurant they chose does it, which is not soemthing i would fuss over. basically i couldnt give a fuck less about where we go, lets just eat already haha. but being with a narcissist is perfect for a co-dependent like myself becasue they constantly need someone, and i constantly want to feel needed. aw, how delightful.
but to be honest, i had never really had a firm grasp on narcissism. i suspected it was just an egocentric attitude, which i guess is true, but thats not even close to the extent of it. its a disease, for sure, characterized by: need for admiration, grandiosity, lack of empathy. i think its the indifference which takes it from egomaniac to narcissist. these people will do anything for admiration, literally, by any means, like by saying they are the best, or saying theyre not so you say they are, eliciting fear, being funny, issuing threats, having an exciting business deal on the way, buying things, driving a nice car, denying a mistake or shifting blame, hanging out with others who have money, 'proving' they are right, telling a wild story, pretty much anything. the sad part, is that they have zero ability to feel how you might be feeling, like when theyre being domineering or rude, even if you actually say it, because to them those words dont exist. they will play semantics bullshit and mind games to make you think youre wrong. they have no short term memory, and literally only think about what they can say at that moment that gives them their supply, but they cannot recall what they said later. this makes them compulsive liars, nonsensical, irrational, and illogical. they have only one perspective: theirs. and they only have one love: themselves. they are charming, intelligent, determined, funny, extroverted, opinionated, boastful, angry, critical, vain, intimidating, vindictive, calculated, unsatisfied, 'above the law', nonnegotiable, manipulative, demanding, intolerant, and impatient. my father, is a narcissist. 100%. outsiders dont see it, because he has learned how to get positive feedback (by way of stories, jokes, achievements, etc) but in his own house, where he is king, he exerts his superiosity in any manner and knows exactly how to do it that gets the easiest and fastest result. anything and everything he says and does goes, with no consideration of how what he just said or did affected you. honestly, i grew up thinking i had a warped perspective, questioning everything i saw or did, walking on eggshells, and being compliant and quiet. he would see a situation totally not how it happened and would coerse me into admitting it happened how he thought it did. it got to a point where i learned to say what he wanted, just so he'd shut the fuck up. "yes dad, i did lie about going further than 2 blocks on my bike". even though i obviously didnt because i knew he'd lose his head if he actually caught me. but i should have anyway, because ima get grounded for it, plus here comes the 45 minute lecture and then 2 day silent treatment for being "a liar." congratualations, dick, you got to show an 8 year old how much better you are than her. well done.
and that my friends, is basically how i was conditioned to comply with a narcissist.
one thing to note though, is that narcissism, while is a form of psychopathy, is distinct in that there is usually a lack of willingness to resort to physical violence, unlike antisocial personality distorder, which is similar in many ways. i was never abused physically or sexually.
im not going to lie though, the realization of all this was....shocking. i cried for two days at the similarities between my relationship with my father (which is non-existent, we had a falling out a few years ago and do not speak or look at each other) and my relationships with other men. when i was young id promise myself id never end up with a man like him, outwardly vindictive, controlling, manipulative. and i will say that i have done a good job at avoiding these people, i relish in my freedom and independence, and i can spot these traits, and i can usually feel when someones trying to mindfuck me. what it comes down to is that i feel compelled to be needed by the narcissist (or what i have stupidly mistaken for love) becasue then i do not have to love or know myself, hence the feelings of unworthiness. i am completely out of touch with my own needs and wants, i even struggled after university beccasue there was noone to tell me what my next move was. in relationships, i push aside what i want and make it all about him. all i need is him to need me. i sabotage the healthy relationships, where the boy considers my feelings, becasue they are uncomfortable and i have no way to express them, and i seek out the boy who doesnt give a fuck, because thats whats familiar. even if he is destroying me from the inside.
but, co-dependent no more.
i have identified the people in my life who exhibit these narcissistic traits, even if they arent actually one. but believe me, it is quite clear who they are and i will be actively changing how i behave with them...because i should not be needed, i should be wanted!
but to actually correct myself, i need options for what i can do to replace what i was doing before, because it cant always be nothing/avoidance. i think the following will help guide me:
A) trust my instincts. this is probably the most important step for me. i find that mine are quite good, but i have also become quite good at ignoring them.
B) learn to say no. i will not inconvenience myself to appease others.
C) direct my need to help in constructive ways. EXAMPLE: philanthropy :)
D) develop personal boundaries. this means not only acknowledging the signs of manipulation, but allowing zero space for follow through for the bully (this one going to be very hard!!)
E) explore the unfamiliar. especially with regards to personal relationships, i will be avoiding the comfortable ones, because more often than not it will lead to dangerous territory. which im fed up with, im bored of being someone's fuckin pawn.
i think thats enough for a good start.
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