what is it about reading my own writing that turns me off? this blog is in no way a formal venue and i most definitely dont write for an audience. as i re-read what ive written i see that i largely write to work through a situation or idea, not to tell a story. i guess its like my thought process for reaching a decision or conclusion. much like im doing right now. but theres something about the words thats wrong. this off-ness nags at me, it always has, which is why i dont really go out of my way to share any material ive written, whether its for school, work, or leisure. maybe its the syntax...or diction? maybe im just being a big fucking baby and need to grow up. or maybe i just need more practice. to do THAT, i need to get motivated. more imporantly, i need to get inspired. some day i would like to write something beautiful.

As it turns out, im actually not a black hole. And you've officially hurt my fucking feelings.



Ugh.

east vs west

I now have a plan for myself. More accurately, I now have two plans for myself. My second plan, is my big, longterm life goal, basically. Its contingent upon my completion of the first plan, which is more like a 2-year plan. Plan I: Return to School. Its a wild one, I know. Im really living on the edge and taking a massive risk here. But my enthusiasm for the program (Not-For-Profit Management) runs high and when I imagine the setting, course material, and the work placement, I get butterflies. And I interpret that to be a good sign, so I'm going to go ahead with it, provided I receive a letter of acceptance rather than denial. But that also means moving home, and THAT means a whole lot of bittersweet. Going home will be easy, Im already really looking forward to it!! But leaving Banff will be extremely difficult, Im seriously dreading it. The longer I stay here, the more attached to the people and town Im going to become. Part of me selfishly wants to leave sooner rather than later because its only going to become progressively more difficult. But the other part is asking why I even have to leave here at all. I'm very torn and often wish I had magical powers so I could be in two places at once. Or 5 places at once, that would be ideal. Id be spending a lot of money though, five different scenarios for transactions to occur? Not good. If I had these powers, I would have to limit the amount of time spent in certain places. Like Toronto. Trips to that city are always costly for me. But with this ability, that means I could also be working while in Toronto, essentially paying for the trip as it happens. Neat!! This is for sure an investment to look into in the future, however in the meantime, Im going to focus on more short term goals, for example, saving money. That's an important one, definitely. And it will keep me occupied while I await the commencement of my next phase!!

So, Im glad I got that off my chest. Phew. I like my new goal. Maybe I should get another job, just so I can make more, to save more. I'll have to see if it fits into my schedule I guess.